A COMMON FOOD NEUTRALITY OVERSIGHT

I often hear people preach about this idea of “Food Neutrality.”

Meaning, food is just food.

There are not “good foods and bad foods.”

There are no rules about what you can and cannot eat.

Or what you should and shouldn't eat.

I.E. “sugar cookies are not poison” and “kale is not a miracle.” Cookies are cookies and kale is kale. – as Emily Fonnesbeck explains on her blog.

Once you are there, you are able to make the choice of what to eat based on what will feel best for you in the moment, re-connecting to your Body Wisdom, and choose based on your needs and wants. You don’t have to be so rigid and controlled with what you eat because everything is “neutral.”

Basically…, the judgement of food is gone.

And while I completely understand this and do see alot of value in this mental framework I think it slightly misses the mark.

It’s not that the judgement of food is gone rather it’s that the judgement of yourself for eating certain food is gone.

That's the distinction that I think is more powerful then just the judgement of food alone, rather the judgement of oneself.

You are no longer good or bad for eating a certain way.

You are no longer "okay" or "not okay" for eating a certain way.

There are no longer foods you have to avoid or else "you are horrible person who can't control themselves.

You see, I have never really put cookies and kale on a level playing field.

I didn't decided cookies "are ok," rather I decided that "I am okay" for eating cookies.

In this sense, I did not become food neutral entirely as it is being described in order to heal my relationship with food.

In order to stop judging myself for what I ate I had to became weight neutral.

I stopped making food choices based on how it would affect my weight.

I stopped deciding my self-worth was based on what I put in my mouth.

I stopped obsessing over food because I was no longer obsessed with being skinny.

I no longer felt like I had to be a certain weight to be okay with myself and how I ate.

Cookies were still a play food in my mind, it's just that I no longer judge myself for eating one (or 10) becasue I no longer judge myself based on my weight.

Food lost it's power over me when I became weight neutral not food neutral in and of itself.

BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS

I used to always look at "thinspiration" and "fitsperation" on the internet. I always thought that if I looked at pictures of smaller, thinner, more fit people that I would be inspired to stick with my diet and fitness plan. That It would help me finally lose the weight.

When in reality they just made me feel shitter abou tmyself and obsess about my food more. Now I see them as very triggering and problematic.

"Before and After" photos are a non-verbal way of selling weight-loss. Not health.

They contribute to the thin is better conversation.

These photos of people going from a bigger body to a smaller body is saying that smaller bodies are more desirable and should be the goal. It means that the body this person had before was not a body worthy of respect and praise. It needed to be changed and it needed to shrink.

This also perpetuate the false idea that everyone can control their weight and manipulate their body with the "right food or diet and exercise plan."

We all know comparison is the theif of joy and yet thse photos encourage us to compare ourselves to others. We will look at the picture, then at ourselves and see how we "measure up."

And often, this is done by so many well-intentioned health and fitness professionals. They use before and after photos to sell their products and services.

"Follow my diet plan and work out regime and you too could achieve this "after" photo body".

While I do not want to offend anyone who posts these types of pictures, I do want to bring awareness to what they actually represent.

These types of pictures do nothing but fuel our fatphobic and weight obsessed culture. It does nothing but perpetuate a disordered relationship with food and dissastifaction with our bodies unless they look a certain way.

These photos use the manipulation and shrinking of our body as a barometer of success.

What about the mental health of the person? Were they were engaging in healthful behavior and lifestyle changes to achieve that result.

Or

were these "after" worthy results achieved through restriction and over exercising? Were they obsessing over every single bite of food they took or didnt take? Did they spend all day thinking about the bread they "shouldn't eat and the calories they need to burn?"

And what happens if another person did all the same things and didn't achieve the "after photo body." Did they fail and do something wrong? Are they not as healthy?

These photos tell us that health looks a certain way and is a certain body type. They tell us that certain bodies are attractive and certain bodies are not.

And they sell us the idea that once we have a smaller body we will be happier and healthier.

And I know from personal experience, that this is not true.

WHEN RECOVERY BEGINS

I remember the exact moment when I decided that I was ready to recover from my eating disorder.

It was just after a massive binge and I was lying on my bathroom floor crying.

I felt empty, defeated, alone but more importantly, I was tired.

I was tired of spending every single day being obsessed with food. Thinking about what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat or should I eat at all.

I wanted my mind back.

The struggle with food had been going on for so long that I couldn't remember what it was like to not constantly feel like I was at war with it. Or with my body.

After constantly thinking that "ifI could just get it to look the way I wanted it to look I'd feel better about myself," I finally realized that the pursuit of "the perfect body" was killing me more then the fact that I didn't have it.

It was killing my joy, stealing my peace, preventing any sort of true happiness, stealing my spirit, and stripping me of any sense of self and feelings of acceptance.

I was so insecure with myself and it was so painful to live every day like that.

And it was that night, on the floor of my bathroom apartment that I had finally had enough.

"I just can't do this anymore."

The pain of having my eating disorder became greater than the fear of gaining weight.

It became greater then my need to control my food. It became greater than my need to try to look a certain way for people to like me. It became greater then my desire to look like I had it all together.

I did not have it together.

It was in this moment, that the only thing left for me to choose was self love, self acceptance and my mental health.

I wanted peace, ease and sanity more then I wanted anything else in the world. I wanted to be free from food.

So recovery became my priority. I prioritized getting better before everything else I had previously been prioritizing.

And it was in this moment of getting my priorities straight that recovery began.